My innermost thoughts.

1. Free Write: My packages come in the mail today. They were delivered. Since I am on campus, attending my college classes for the day, my brother had to receive them. I ordered an iPad case, an iPad keyboard, and a matte screen protector. Hopefully, they are what I am expecting them to be. My hand is already hurting at two and a half minutes. But I won’t stop, because I see this as my objective to overcome in this class. Almost there, my hand is close to setting off a cramp. But hey, it’ll be worth it, 30 more seconds left, and I need to drink some water, I’m thirsty. As I am expanding my free writing, I am thinking about how I want to start a journal. I want to buy a certain journal so that I can keep buying the same one. I want it to match my personality. I plan on writing all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions down. Something about making a piece of useless paper into something so valuable comes to mind. It brings me peace, just thinking about it, but that’s not enough for me, I want to make it come true. Something about brushing my thumb through all the worn-out used paper to the last line throughout the whole journal brings me happiness. It makes my thoughts, feelings, and emotions become existence, it becomes physical, and I love that thought itself, which is why I wanted to mention this because I am doing just that right now. 

2. What is your name? Why were you given your name? What is the story behind your name? Were you named after someone? What does your name mean to you/what is your relationship with your name?1 – 3 paragraphs.

My name is Azmain Zaman Jason, my first name is mentioned in the holy Quran. My last name, yes, Jason. It was supposed to be Jeshan. But it was westernized by this lady, a friend of my mom’s, who was there during my birth. My dad could not be there because he still did not have his visa, and was stuck in Bangladesh. Since then, my name has never been changed, my mom learned to love my name instantly. My middle name is my family’s last name. I sometimes wish I could change my middle name to my last name, as that’s what it should have been like. 

My name means a lot to me, even if Jeshan isn’t my real name. I like to personalize it to my liking since Jason is too Westernized, and I love my culture so much that I prefer to go by Jeshan, which is a more desi name. My relationship with my middle name is strong because I feel like I belong to a certain family. My first name, I feel very spiritually close to it because of it being of a holy origin. Every time someone wants to recite the Quran, they have to mention my first name: Azmain. 

3. What do you think it means to find your voice? Write about a time you used your voice to speak up about something that is/was important to you. Where were you? What did it feel like? Use your five senses to describe the scene. 1 – 3 paragraphs.

What it means to find your voice is to figure out your purpose as a human being. Figure out your opinions, beliefs, that way you can preach on your beliefs, opinions, etc. When I found my voice I was advocating for the poor who would come to the doors of our house back in Bangladesh this summer. My parents had said that they were needy, they made prayers for us every time we helped them economically, or even with just food and other everyday necessities. I told my parents not to turn them back no matter how many times they come a week because we only get to do this every time we’re in Bangladesh, which is more than every three years. 

Honestly, my family members who lived there would tell me to not spoil them so much. But once I explained how it’s different for them to spoil and for me to spoil them, they realized where I was coming from. I told them “amra shobshomai to thakina, ai shujog ta amra paina”. This translation from Bengali to English is “We don’t always stay here, this opportunity is missed by us”. This opened their eyes, and after that no one stopped me from giving back whenever I had the chance. I did not wait for anyone to come up to me, if I saw someone in need of help, economically, or everyday necessity-wise, I jumped to help. This helped me find my voice because I realized that I had used it to support these needy people. I also used my voice to show my family members in Bangladesh that my perspective was different from theirs for many reasons. 

1. Free Write: Today I facetime’d with my cousin who is in Medical School. We barely get to talk or hang out, but finally got to at least talk to her. The last time I left this class, I had a bad rest of the day. One of my friends wasn’t doing too well. They started to write freely about what’s on their mind. In the past, I introduced the idea to them, and they had started using the technique, and now again in class. I was terrified that night. But free writing saved the day in a way. I wonder what I could write about. A big book of my thoughts would be very cool. I also have always wanted to write down my feelings when having anxiety and burn them after I was done. Something about that seems like I would be dealing with my anxiety in a way that is not harmful to myself, like continuing to have anxiety. This person who started writing freely would show me what they wrote sometimes, and it would inspire me, and make me proud of how I helped them out so much. Now they are doing so much better, and we still write, all because this college class helped me find my long-lost relationship with writing down my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

2. Write about a trace or mark you have left on your home. Use description. Where, what, or who is your home? What does home mean to you? 1 – 3 paragraphs.

A trace that I have left on my “home” which is one of my closest friends. I have left traces of many meaningful memories on her and they’ll always stick to her, and I’ll always have these strands of traces attached to me as well. This mystery girl is my home, the way she makes me feel in the past four years has shown me that she is home. To me, home feels like a place I feel comfortable in, with no boundaries, nothing stopping me, me feeling and being able to love. Sometimes when I’m away from my home I feel lonely even though there are others around me. I wonder how my home is, and if it’s safe or not. From this sentence on, I am expanding, and it’s amazing how 38 days ago, 912 hours ago, 54,720 minutes ago, and 3,283,200 seconds ago I found a place in a home that is not home to me anymore. They mean a lot to me still, but I started to seek a home within myself. Just like my narrative, “Relocating The Home Within Me” which also shows how I found not just my home home, but my culture within me.

One thing that has changed in me is that my day, my world doesn’t revolve around them anymore. I learned to put myself first over others now, and not hold others before me. I have also learned to not let people walk all over me. I saw myself as overly nice, and I am still nice, but with limitations. That doesn’t mean I am not nice anymore. I just learned to prioritize myself over anyone. Family is an exception because they are the closest to me, nothing goes over family. The people I share my actual home with. Therefore they are closest to me, they are my home, along with my physical home, and the home within me. 

3. What language or culture feels like home to you? Describe the feeling of speaking in your home language or being within your home culture, use similes, metaphors, or hard facts. 1 – 4 paragraphs. 

Bangla is a language that feels like home to me because to me the Bangla language is so sweet without even trying. If translated into English, the feeling wouldn’t be the same. I feel more connected when speaking my native language because it sounds so sweet and good. Speaking to someone or singing in Bangla, in general, is as if I am busy flirting with a girl without even trying. To me, Bangla is what I speak at home. I see Bangla as a way of connecting with those in Bangladesh. It completes me, I feel that I belong to a place with a beautiful language. That language helps me get along with my family and friends in Bangladesh. We got along and I was able to spend quality time with them. I use Bangla as if it is my job.

When speaking Bangla I feel that I can say things that will better be understood by who I am speaking it with. I feel that we understand each other better if spoken in Bangla. Even if whoever I am speaking with knows fluent English just as much as me. The fact is, me and my friend like to appreciate and not take for granted the opportunity our parents gave us, by teaching us fluent Bangla. We may not know how to read or write, but we know how to speak it. At some point, I would love to learn how to read and write Bangla. Because I see being fluent in Bangla as being able to read, write, and speak. Although I haven’t reached my goal of being able to read and write in Bangla, I still consider myself happy to know Bangla because that itself is already a lot based on where I live. 

4. What is a story that your family tells often or a story that is a part of your identity, a story that you and your family know by heart? Write the story using descriptions. 1 – 3 paragraphs.

A story that my family tells often is how social I am with their relatives back home. My relatives back in Bangladesh always react and comment to my stories and posts on Facebook, the only reason I keep Facebook is to keep in touch with them. I don’t like to add them to my Instagram life because there are such things that aren’t negative but I would like to keep them to my New York self. Bangla culture sometimes sees certain westernized things as different and I would like to not show them that side. I have my cousins on Instagram because they are more chill with the culture. They understand that there are certain things that people from other generations in Bangladesh would see as something we are not supposed to be doing. But they fail to understand that it’s a normal Westernized culture, and I have learned to use both my desi and Westernized culture to create my personality. 

This creates my personality because I have learned to use both my desi and Westernized sides to create myself. My Facebook vs. my Instagram shows the difference between my desi and Westernized split personality. Instagram shows both sides because I am not afraid to show everyone who lives in America my true self, but sometimes I have to hide some things and not post them on my Facebook. My parents like to talk about how I like interacting with relatives from Bangladesh, miles away, with nothing relatable to talk about. Yet I still feel like I don’t talk to them much. But in reality, I do, not as much as I would want to, because life in America keeps you busy, with education, family responsibilities, and errands. This story is known by my parents by heart because they know my split personality as a whole, and support it, they have shaped me so most of the credit goes to them.

Sep, 07th

ARTISTIC DARKNESS: THE ILLUMINATION OF WRITING ALONE

1. Free Write: Today I got to hang out with a new friend group at City College Cohen Library on the 3rd floor. But someone I am close to is mad at me for having not eaten all day. I also think she’s mad at me because I chose to be with them, and her, instead of being just with her. I just wanted to get along with my new friends so we all get along, and it’s not just me and her all the time. I asked her and her friend if they wanted to stay with us, but they were already leaving because there were no seats ready for them to use. There were chairs a few feet away but they did not want to get along with the group at the time because they felt unwelcomed since there were no seats available. Now she is sitting in front of me in class as I write, she is mad, she won’t talk to me. I’m not sure why she’s so mad. It’s not like I didn’t ask her, I don’t mind her there at all. But when she gets mad at me for the smallest things I get tired of fixing small things that we should be able to handle maturely as adults. 

One thing that has been a trend, after coming back to this about a month and a few weeks later, I feel that it’s been constant. I wanted to continue on this topic after a while of this situation because there have been countless situations like this that have happened since this free write. I keep going back and fixing it, but then things mess up after a while of things cooling down and being good again. I am not intending that I am the problem or she is the problem. But I do feel like we can handle problems like this more maturely since now that we’re in college. We came out of high school together, and things are difficult when it comes to making new friends together. A while ago she explained how she wanted her own friend group, where I wouldn’t be so close with them. So I agreed, but now that I am doing that she doesn’t like it. I just wish that she wasn’t jealous that I am getting along with guy friends, and her together. At the end of the day, I just really want things to work out as friends between all of us, and for us to handle things more maturely. 

2. Write about a time when you were alone literally, physically, or metaphorically. Write using all of your senses.1 – 2 paragraphs.

A time when I felt alone was when everyone went outside, and I was the only one in my house. I found a sense of peace. As soon as the door shut and the last person in the house aside from me left, I felt like I had time to focus on myself alone. No one was near me, could see me, or was near me to judge me or even get the chance or option to. I can blast any music I want as loud as I want. I found peace in being alone. But I don’t always find peace in being alone. I don’t like feeling alone for too long. I like to be alone when I am at home and be around my family because it reminds me of who I am in ways, and where I am from, and where I belong. I could hear the sound of music playing loud, bass on high, volume on high. 

I can smell the candle burning a few feet away from me. I smell the scents, and they bring me peace. Even though this candle is always on, even when the family is home. Yet, I still feel alone at times at home when other people are still nearby. My curtains help me separate the living room and my room, which doesn’t block out sound, but I use my AirPods noise cancellation to not hear the loud banging on pots in the kitchen while my mom cooks, or the shower running, etc. This helps me a lot at times when I want to block out any unnecessary noise at home, like my brother gaming and raging on the phone with friends. I can feel the sense of having my bubble, where no one can come invade, I do this on purpose to feel alone. 

3. Write about a time when an artist has illuminated the darkness in your life. How? Why? What did it feel like? 1 paragraph.

A time that an artist illuminating my life was when I drove alone at night for the first time. Windows down, my phone connected to bluetooth. I was blasting music from this one artist. At times I wish to be alone listening to their songs, at times I want friends to be there to sing along. The artist illuminated the darkness because the lyrics made me emotional, making me let my emotions out because of how relatable the lyrics were. At times I’ll be in bed at night, just listening to music.

4. What does the phrase “writing process” mean to you? Describe your own personal writing process.

When I am alone, and something is on my mind, making me anxious and stressed out, I write. I have to be in my feelings, in my bad, listening to music. This is my writing process and it helps me focus on focusing on myself and making my feelings come to life using a worthless piece of paper and making it so valuable to just me.

Sep, 12th

THE CREATIVE PROCESS

1. (N/A, Free Write is too personal)

2. Honest inventory of Creative Process. How did you approach the writing of your narrative? Where were you when you wrote? Was it easy or difficult? What did you discover?

I approached my writing of my narrative by just writing my personality down. My love for the Bangla language and my love for the culture I was born into. I was taught to love who I am, as a human, which race I am from. I started to take in my culture and language as something that is entitled to me, something that I was given happily. So I just basically wrote down all my feelings, thoughts, opinions, and facts about my relationship with Bangla and the desi culture. It was pretty easy for me because I just wrote down whatever came to mind while staying in the goal of the assignment I was given. I discovered that I never really realized how close I got to my Bangla language and my desi culture. It has become a very big part of my personality, and I love that for me. I think that college and the new people I met brought me way closer, which I know wont change at all, no matter what. I just wanted to mention that the biggest takeaway for me from this is that not only did I learn to love my mother tongue, and desi culture, but I also grew so much closer and attached to my religion way more than before. 

3. Write about the discoveries you made while you took time to be alone. Describe what you did, what did you sense? See/ Hear/ Taste/ Smell/ Feel (2 Paragraphs).

A discovery I made while I took my time to be alone was that I really do love to be alone most times. Sometimes I would find myself wanting to go for walks and stuff. One night I found myself walking next to a freeway, with a park, and a jogging path. I was just walking, eating some chocolate that I love. I was listening to music. It was very therapeutic for me because I was doing everything I loved. I paced back the way I came and couldn’t remember where I was throwing the candy rappers away. But I made it a goal to find at least one on the way back. That was a lot of chocolate after I counted like 6 halfway into my trip back the way I came.

 I heard the cars honking at each other as I walked back. I can taste the leftover taste of chocolate, and I can feel the wind. Oh and I forgot to mention how it was drizzling and I purposely went out with just a hood. The songs I was listening to were all songs about love, and the rain. It made me imagine my future, and what it holds for me. The sound of the rain could be heard lowkey. I just felt amazing, doing everything I liked all at the same time. I wondered to myself when I would get my own car, and have access to it at times like this, because that would just perfect everything. 

4. Why did you choose the memory that you wrote for your literacy narrative? What is its significance to you? (1 – 2 paragraphs).

I chose the story that I wrote about in my literacy narrative because I wanted to compare how I was in Bangladesh this summer to how I was when I got back and started college. I was afraid that my culture would slowly fade because Bangladesh isn’t like New York. But I was wrong, there were just materialistic things missing. But I was almost immediately surrounded by a desi cultured friend group. This made me connect wearing cultural clothing in Bangladesh with cousins, to doing the same thing with my new desi friends here in New York. Bangladesh is Bangladesh, and America is very westernized. But we chose to keep a little desi culture, or maybe a little more than a little, in our lifestyle. I think that it just keeps the feeling going and I love it.

5. What do you hope to achieve with your second draft? Write three action points to follow for draft #2. How can you infuse your “style” to craft a story with your voice?

I hope that I can insert a little bit of my language into the second draft. I want to translate what I say in my language in parenthesis into English. This way they will see how it’s like when someone speaks Bengali, and then translates such a sweet language just from hearing, into English which seems so bland, maybe because it is just one of the most used languages on Earth. That way the sweetness and effects of English have been seen so much that it has turned bland to many of us including me. Speaking Bangla or any other language you are taught feels way more special than English, speaking for myself. I can infuse my style to craft a story with my own voice by implementing Bangla into my language.

6. Reflect in 1 – 2 sentences why this story is important for you to tell, why did you choose this as your narrative. 

This story is important for me to tell because it shows that you can bring your culture anywhere and still practice it while also being westernized. I believe it’s important to tell because many people overlook their culture, but I feel that it is important to keep hold of it. 

Sep, 14th

SUCCESS AND FAILURE: EMBRACING CREATIVE RISKS

FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING THE SELF NARRATIVE

1. Free Write: Today is going slow, not much going on. The Freshman Convocation was boring. We left midway. I went out and was contemplating whether or not to buy something to eat. But I am saving money for tomorrow. My friends and I are going out in cultural clothing. We are going to drive to pick two others up at Yonkers. Then we are going to drive to Queens to a halal version of Shake Shack. It used to be called Sheikh Shack but I think they probably got copyrighted and changed their name to Sheick n’ Burgers. I am going to be driving here and there, with music, windows down, us all singing to the songs. Its exciting, there are going to be singing going on. We want to make very memorable moments, as this is our first outing in cultural clothing. 

After hanging out, I want to say that I loved the hangout so much that I can’t wait for next time. I hope that we can do it again, and make it just as fun, maybe even more fun than last time. We went to this halal food place and I got lamb over rice, I was too excited to try my food to remember or take note of exactly what my other friends ate. Then we went for a ride in the car listening to music. We made tiktoks at the parking lot of the restaurant. It was a funny experience as we danced and then pushed one of our friends on the floor so he could twerk to the song as we danced. This is a hilarious dance that people came up with on tiktok and the dance became trending so we wanted to do one of our own. Then we took pictures, Mashallah we all looked so good, the pictures also turned out really good. Definitely need to do it again soon, it has to be more fun than the last.

2. Define the word Success, and what it means for you. What does it mean to Succeed? Write about a time that you succeeded at something, what is it? What did you feel, think, do. Describe its significance to your life. 

Succeeding to me means when I achieve something I feel that one small part of my purpose is granted as completed, successfully at that. A time where I felt successful was when I passed my road test. I had always been eager to grow up and drive. So succeeding in that gave the little child I used to feel accomplished. I felt happy. I smelled the inside of my car and the smell of leather seats the first time I actually drove my family’s car, which I drove illegally but that’s not to be put on record. 

3. Define the word Failure and what it means for you “to fail” at something. Write about a time that you failed – describe the scene, feelings, location, senses, and circumstances. 

Failure to me means to lose at a certain something one was hoping to succeed at. It was not a good feeling. I felt like I disappointed many people. A time I failed was at a game at Coney Island where I first tried to get this teddy bear. The second time I tried again using my failure to my advantage. No one really knows I failed, I kept it to myself and used failure as energy to succeed. 

4. Why do you think society values success? List five reasons.

• – The feelings after succeeding.
• – What they are succeeding in.
• – How they are succeeding.
• – The reason they are succeeding/ want to succeed in.
• – What society thinks of them whether they succeed or not.
  
  

5. Consider this quote: “If we can tune into the idea of making things and sharing them, without being attached to the outcome, the work is more likely to arrive, in its purest form” – Rick Rubin The Creative Process. Imagine your life free from the Paradigm of “valuing success” and free from the “fear of failure’ imagine you’re not “attached to an outcome”.

Life would not be a challenge if we were to be free from the paradigms of “valuing success” + “fear of failure”. Some leaps of faith I would take would be letting school not get in the way of hanging out with friends. 

Oct, 03rd

BELIEFS AND VALUES, SELF-ASSESSMENT,
THE SHAPING OF AUTHENTICITY AND ART

1. Free Write: I haven’t written free in a while, aside from class too. So I have too many thoughts to put on my paper for 3 minutes. I am also late to class. Today is Nicole’s birthday. We’re going to Maison Pickle to celebrate. The whole group is here today, and they put the couches closer to each other so the vibes were insane. That’s why I am late to class, sorry…! Today our friend Fatim who went to my high school pulled up and it was nice to have all our friends in the same group. Damn, I wrote way more than expected in 3 minutes. We were supposed to write for 8 minutes. I honestly don’t feel like writing what’s on my mind right now because I myself don’t know the entirety of it. Free writing seems to be a lot of work at the moment, but I really want to write later on so hopefully I don’t feel this way later on when I do want to write it down.

2. Make a list of things you believe in.

• – My family
• – My future
• – Society
• – My friends
• – My religion
• – Responsibility
• – Comfortability 
• – My personality
• – Flaws in the world. 
• – Humanity
  
  

3. What does the word authenticity mean to you?

The word authenticity to me means being original and being real. To me being authentic means being your true self. 

4, Right about the time you were forced to question your beliefs or values. Describe in detail.

A time I was forced to question my beliefs or values was when one of my friends wasn’t comprehending what I kept telling them. Whatever I said went through one ear and out the other. This made me be forced to question my values as a human being, a best friend to them. They did not take into perspective my point of view.

5. What was your favorite part about the presentations, what stuck out to you? Where are you now as a writer? How have you developed or changed over the past five weeks? 

What stuck out to me was getting to know who the people in my class are outside of class, we are all equal and same in many ways. Being able to relate to everyone, or most people. Which was a nice thing, made me realize we are just a melting pot. Having the opportunity to share about myself, and show pictures of my past, present, and a verbal insight of what my future looks like to me. As a writer, I have developed a sense of calm when I am writing. Writing helps me put what’s on my mind onto something of less value, and I am able to make a piece of paper so valuable. As a writer, I really want to have entries just for myself. 

Oct, 05th

REFLECTIONS WITH OUR INNER CHILD,
WRITING THE FIRST VERSION OF THE SELF

1. Free Write: Today started off a bit rocky. But its gotten better. So far something hasn’t gone wrong aside from the morning. But after the last FIQWS class, everything looks better. Now I am free writing in the middle of the semester. 

2. What is Humanity?

• – Looking out for others.
• – Being a good civilian.
• – Being good to yourself/others
• – Walking your dog
• – Being nice
• – Being there for your family/friends
• – Someone’s personality.
• – Teaching your siblings
• – Caring for others
• – Not seeing someone for their past.
  
  

3. A time where you witnessed the best in humanity?

A time I witnessed the best in humanity was during the pandemic, when healthcare workers risked their lives to deal with the pandemic. 

4. A time where you witnessed the worst in humanity?

A time where I witnessed the worst in humanity was also during the pandemic when people took advantage and broke store windows and robbed them.

5. When was a time where you felt the most authentic?

There was a time where I felt the most authentic was when I started to pick myself up and do the right things for me. My most authentic self lended itself to humanity because of the way I started choosing to pray and keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I thought of myself as a human. Doing the right thing being human was something I was happy about doing. I wanted to contribute to the help of having a good reputation as a proud human being. This meant a lot because in a world full of interesting and dangerous people, I found myself being in the good productive group. 

6. What’s going on in the world which influences your everyday life?

• Growing up in general because it influences me in a way where there’s so much stuff being thrown at me, but I still ask for more, because maybe the more may be good for me. Maybe it will impact my life in a good way. Bad people/ threats. Ongoing friendships/relationship issues. And lastly, the weather. 

Oct, 17th

1. Free Write – I already free-wrote today. It helped me express my feelings during my last FIQWS class. I wrote two whole pages and I dont think that anyone can read my handwriting. I was in a mood and just kept on writing. Even if a letter came out unexpectedly and looked like another letter. It feels like that’s one kind of many free-write moods. I was playing badminton right before this class so my hands already hurt. I wanted to write two pages in my 9-minute free write now. I hope I can accomplish that. After the last FIQWS, I was finally able to express my feelings verbally. So I think the free-write helped me gather what I’ve been wanting to say. For now I want to free-write whenever I am in that mood. I liked how I felt somewhat relieved as I wrote each sentence. Like a rock being taken off of me, sudden relief floated back. I think that the free writing just helps me out with what I want to say verbally. It helps me find my voice. I feel better but I won’t be fooled into thinking that I won’t feel worse later. But I know what will help me and possibly the situation. I’m almost a page in, I think there’s less than a minute left. I wonder how my perspective will be when I expand to this week later. Hopefully, I can write for longer times. I’m going home and rewriting all my free write to get used to writing a lot. 

2. Passion to me is something that I am really into, interested in, and involved in. “I as a little kid, have always been passionate about driving, playing the guitar, traveling, and many more.”
   1. Driving – I’ve always been passionate about driving ever since my dad got us our first family car, when I was around 7. 
   2. Guitar – Again, as a child, I was always passionate about playing the Guitar, which I am accomplishing right now. 
   3. Love – I’ve always been passionate about receiving the same love I give back and I’ve been successful at it since. 
   4. Photography – I’ve always been passionate about taking nice aesthetic pictures of even views. 
   5. Documenting – I’ve always been passionate about collecting stories and posts to collect and showcase on Instagram. 
   6. Education – I’ve always been passionate about focusing on my education. 
   7. Family – I have always been passionate about staying with my family as a whole. 
   8. Friends – I’ve always been passionate about having a brown friend group. 

3. When I learned about the current genocide going on in the world recently. It gave me a sense of paradigm, and my views of a certain group of people changed. My care for Palestine grew even more than it was already. I felt disgusted seeing a bullet in a baby’s forehead. That showed me that Israel has no humanity left in it, not even a drop. Goes to show how Israel wants to portray itself. Israel has been wrongfully killing innocent Palestinians, including a mass amount of kids. They have been calling it ethnic cleansing. This caused me to receive a paradigm, on how the world has many people with little to no humanity left in them. 
   
   
4. I recently wrote a research paper for my Psychology 102 class. We studied how babies react as they grow, and what stages include what changes of growth for the baby. I see obstacles in finding accurate case studies to back my research. A research paper I want to focus on would be on the Genocide we are currently sitting back and witnessing. I think that gathering evidence and information to back me is going to be easy. Piecing all of it together will be a challenge. Curiosities I have on writing a topic are; cars, driving, music, the genocide, world news, sports, types of law cases, and many more. Some skills I want to work on are finding good information to back me up, and putting them in the right place. Being able to understand where is the best place to put what information.

Oct, 05th

1. Free Write – (Too personal)

2. 10 Assets in Research

–  The ability to search on the internet and find perfect sources for my research study. 

– Already have many sources in mind that I bookmarked mentally.

– The CCNY Library database.

– Being able to quickly fill up a page of what I have to say without any sources included.

– My interests and passion to dive deep into the research study already. 

– Being able to introduce the source to back my voice up. 

3. Ways that my assets can help me overcome my obstacles.

I can use writing a lot to answer some of the questions of the audience before they can think about a question. My problem is that I need to find concrete details to back my claim up. This way I can be ahead of the prompt. My research case study would have many reasons why there are problems with my topic. It would open up a new perspective to others, like the new perspectives I see when I hear about an interesting idea, conflict, etc. 

4. The problem arises when the word genocide comes up. When innocent people are being killed. When babies are shot in the head, it seems like murder was very satisfying to the murderer. When one group fools another and causes a mass killing. When a hospital is bombed filled with people who are already hurt from bombings. The problem affects everyone who is in Palestine, martyred alive, people not in Palestine, and pro-Palestine movements especially those who are Muslim and pro-Palestinian. 

What do I want to know:

• – What’s going on at every point of the day?
• – How many are affected at the moment?
• – When will this come to an end?
• – What else does the world and Palestine have to do or see to see light at the end of a dark tunnel? 

• – This study aims to further extend my knowledge of Israel vs. Palestine. 
• – The project aims to explore the wrongdoings of Israel and continue to support and ally Palestine individually if not by the United States of America. 
• – The research aims to investigate, debate, and prove that whats going on is the wrongdoings of Israel and to put them down, and hold Palestine to get justice. 

Research Plan:

• – I will write about the current genocide caused by Israel oppressing Palestine. 
• – I will keep gathering sources on Instagram and social media in general to come forth the right side to support Palestine. 
• – It should be done because other should learn the history and screw on their heads the right way before choosing sides. 
• – I expect the results to be what my opinion is. I will uncover history that many people do not know, and show them why they are wrong. 

Project Title: To be determined.

Purpose: To bring forth the right from teh wrong.

(3 objectives, 8 sources) *Locate Self in Research*

Oct, 24th

1. Free Write – Professor Vicars mentioned if we ever wake up stressed. It reminded me about yesterday morning. My mom was supposed to drop my brother off at his bus stop. But a minute after I woke up, I was walking to his bus stop in my pajamas, hoodie on with nothing on but a tank top. I was freezing, in a bad mood, and sleepwalking. A guy almost hit me but it wasn’t my fault cause it was my light and he saw me already crossing. I stopped gave him space and told him to go with attitude. He stood there for a good 30 seconds. So I walked, calming myself down. He honks once I’m done crossing so I get more mad. So I walk back and flick him off. That was my first time flicking someone off. I was just so mad. My nose was runny at the bus stop and as I was wiping my nose with a tissue and a bird decided to shit on my brother’s bag, and as I’m wiping that off, the bird shits on my hoodie sleeve. All the kids at the bus stop laugh. I’m more mad at hte universe for such a bad start to my Monday. I tried to get a coffee but to my luck, the deal I usually use was not working. So I walked home with bird shit on my sleeve. Freezing cold. 

2.  – FInding something to agree with was a bit time-consuming.

– Having to paraphrase what all the sources had to say.

 – Avoiding pro-Israeli sources that support Israel.

 – Learning more about Israel vs. Palestine conflict. 

 – Gathering high vocabulary words and phrases to use or include. 

3.  – Popular website.

 – Trusted by others. 

 – Reasonable Information.

4. Pros:
   – Huge information with the click of a few buttons.

    – Concrete information

 – Loads of information.

Cons: 

• Less primary sources
• No physical proof.
•  Can be invalid info.

1. My process of researching was music playing on my monitor while displaying article sources. On my bed, I sat with my legs in front of me with my iPad on my lap with its keyboard on. Typing on my document doing reading notes. I have my air humidifier on and my room is dark with just LED lights on. This makes me very focused sometimes taking a break to respond to texts, browse on social media, and play iMessage games. The whole process took me about 30 minutes to finish.
   
   

Oct, 31th

1. Freewrite – Today is Halloween, me and my friend Zee are matching head to toe. We have the same hoodie and cargo on. We also have on our fresh pair of airforces. I am craving a lot of candy today. Today has been going well. I couldn’t handle it. I dont think I will ever put hot sauce on my fries again. I need to stop being late to class. No more being late to class anymore. I need to handle my time well. With assignments and everything. Take college more seriously. Like free-writing, I like to free-write. It’s very soothing. Anyways socially, the group of friends dont feel the same anymore. The cold today just feels like it’s about to snow. 

2. – My best friend from high school.

– Myself

– My family & friends

– My room

– Headphones

– Speakers

– Music!!!

– My room setup

– My work ethic

– My religion

3. This week I have accomplished my space where I am most of the time. I am on one corner of my bed, everything is at the reach of my hands. Air diffuser to my right, speakers playing music loud, monitor showing my work. I am on my iPad doing work. I am accomplished with studying for my Math exam. I dont think I have studied so much in my life. 

4. I am kind of lost in writing my research paper. I missed last Thursday’s class because I was sick. I am still on my topic. I have to start the actual part very soon. Maybe like by tonight. Three discoveries I have made are new sources, evidence, and things to mention. A challenge is starting the paper, finishing it up, and injecting valid commentary into the research paper to make it very impacting. 
   
   

Nov, 02nd

1. Free Write – Today started annoying, but it took a fast turn at being way better. It’s been going way better. I just want to live life like this all the time. But some people are distant. To be honest I wait for this free writing session every day but I am always late. I tell myself I won’t be but always end up late. It’s getting on my nerves. The library couch just gets so comfy. After eating, I just wanna sit and lay down. I just want to chill. But time for class approaches. And that leads me to miss valuable minutes of free writing. But I go out of my way to keep writing while my professor talks about what we’re doing. My professor said my thesis and introduction paragraph was very concise and she chose me first because she read mine and liked it. 

2. 5 synonyms for research:
   1. Study
   2. Examine
   3. Identify
   4. Seek
   5. Analyze

3. I care about this paper because I get an opportunity educationally to educate myself on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict going on as I write. This topic helps me put on glasses and be able to see or know things someone who doesn’t dive deep wouldn’t see. It helps me gain knowledge of the situation since I already have a strong opinion on this topic. 

4. I want the reader to care because there are children and even babies being martyred for just being a baby. One baby was lifeless in an ambulance in a paramedic’s hands. The baby had a gunshot wound to the forehead. That is just sad. People should care because it feels like no one cares at this point. I want the reader to take away that Israel has not one drop of humanity left in their bodies. 

Nov, 07th

1. 
   Free Write – I am 7 minutes late to class, and I am upset again that I missed 7 good minutes of free writing. The elevators at the NAC library went out of service. We had to take the stairs. Now I cannot take Biology before Chemistry. I’ve been wanting to take Chemistry. No sorry I meant Biology. And I am late to class. Now I am kind of upset. But this particular conversation, I dont know how to feel about. Music will cheer me up. My friend did not want to share what she wrote on her free write, but usually, she lets me read it. Which means something on her mind. 
   

2. I was completely lost when I was done with my introduction for my research paper. I searched for an online template. I included my “Abstract”. Anyway, I am working on my method at the moment. The process was okay, not too easy but not too hard. This is because I had my purpose and what I was going to write about but I just have to put it in order and piece it together. I am going to end my method (body 1) and move into the next step of my research paper using the outline. 
   

3. One discovery I made while researching is that there are not many Pro-Palestinian news articles on the internet. This shows the level of bias that this creates. Another discovery was how many people were put to mute, and also harmed because of what religion they believe in. Another discovery was now sometimes it’s best to not be a night writer but to just go get a good night’s sleep. 
   
   
4. I am looking for validation from those who are also doing their research paper. I want to share tactics to make both our research papers way better. That’s even if we have different topics. This way our research paper is way more stronger. I also look for someone who agrees with me.

Nov, 14th

1. Free Write – Today feels very weird. I kind of want it to be over already. I can’t pinpoint why exactly. But I have been wanting it to be over already. For a while not just now. Like I mean since Math. I am not comfortable with my outfit today. It’s not todays vibes. I made a bad money-spending move today. I bought sushi worth $15 and a mango lassi for $5.50, which rounded up to $6. Usually excited to free-write but today I dont know what to write about and also my hand already hurts. I say that my day is better spent at home. Professor Vicars seems sad, she just explained why. I hope all goes well. Cant wait to be done with all my classes and just be at peace. That way I can just rest all of the rest of the days. The break sounds good right about now. I am upset with the choices I made starting from yesterday. I have so many things to study for, and so much work to finish up. Life is kind of dull at the moment. 
   

2. One thing I would like to release by the end of the year is some people I have in my life. Another release would be the way I act, even though some say I am mature, I would like to become more mature. 
   

3. My favorite memory of the fall so far is Friday and Saturday that just passed. Me and my best friend went out with other friends, late at night. We were on the highway going 96mph at one point. 
   

4. When it was time to leave my parent’s home country, I had to say bye to this family, who I hold so dearly close to me. The uncle is coming to New York soon. Anyway, I had to say bye to the end of really fun memories, people I spent every second of my life with for two straight months. 
   

5. The surprising news I found out while I was at home is that my uncle is on his way to NYC for a few days, he’s coming in December. He’s not bringing my two friends though. But it’s okay, I value my uncle a lot, he sees me as a son. Me and his son are like brothers. Even though we see each other every other year type shit. 
   

6. I finished my first research paper draft and I am waiting for revisions to be done. I just want to be over with all the work so that it’s all perfect and the way I want it. Hopefully, it is as good as I think it is. My source, one of them was not available anymore so I had to replace it, but it was not as good. 
   
   
7. I want to make any cover letter to be informative and creative. I want it to be very descriptive, thoughtful, and also very detailed. I want feedback that will help me in the future to be able to better the things that I need to work on.
   
   

Nov, 16th

1. Free Write – Today someone keeps calling me through a no-caller id. It’s getting annoying. They told me to not call back and I haven’t so I dont know why they keep calling me. It has been 8 times. We were a little too late to class. I just want to go home. I want to just sleep when I get home. I dont want to study up until I am recharged and able to study for my third math exam until I am sleepy again. Wish I could free write more, but the professor already gave us our first prompt. 

2. Make a list of 5 of your favorite activities and why.

• Driving, I like the feeling when driving
• Music, because it puts me in a good mood. 
• Traveling, because I like experiencing new things.
• Eating new foods because I like experiencing new foods. 
• Capturing my best moments because I like to look back at my best moments. 

3. I do like to be alone sometimes. Sometimes I get really busy and want to just give myself time. Being alone gives me a chance to do, feeling, whatever, I want in that period. It’s special to me because I feel more at peace. Alone time for me is home, but I dont want to be alone every time. 

4. The last time I took a walk by myself was Monday night at like 10 pm. I left my house and walked around enjoying the calm and quite nature. I was on Bainbridge Avenue and 204th Street. 

5. If I could take a walk anywhere it would be on the Brooklyn Bridge at 3 am. I would want to be there alone. All I want with me is my headphones, phone, a prayer mat, and maybe two bottles of water. I would want to spend 30 minutes to an hour looking off into the water with clear silence. Then I would listen to music that matches the mood for an hour. THen spend another in silence with a pen and some looseleaf. I would do that till Fajr. After that I would peacefully pray fajr alone while the sun rises, all while being on the Brooklyn Bridge. 

6. A New York random run-in I had was with my Math TA in my neighborhood this week. We saw eaceh other in my neighborhood. I thought that maybe he lives in my neighborhood. I said hi with the same clueless expression on our faces. If I could run into anyone in the city it would be this Desi singer called Muza. 
   
   

Nov, 28th

1. 
   Free Write – The break was fun but too short. I went over to my cousins house, and my other cousin came. We all slept over for a good 3 nights. We spent our days doing karaoke, my microphone broke way too early into the session. My handwriting is ass right now. I miss free writing. I want my old handwriting back. I have to catch up on missing assignments. So I will be doing that all day. 

2. 1. Annual Get Together
   2. Busy 
   3. Sick
   4. Exciting
   5. Joyful 
   6. Together
   7. Family 
   8. Happiness 
   9. Stressing 
   10. Fun

3. A time when I felt excluded in a classroom setting was when everyone was talking about how they loved this fast food place everyone has tried but me. I was not able to relate because I had not had Apple Bee’s. Everyone was talking about how it was so good and how they want to go back, but I was in middle school, I would go straight home. 

4. A time where I felt included in a classroom setting was when we were presenting in class and I was talking about my culture and etc. People were able to relate to me which was nice, which made me feel included. 
5. Three Idiosyncrasies: 
   a. Stepping on a sidewalk square only two times once in a while here and there. 
   b. Having my air purifier on whenever I am in the room.
   c. Listening to music when locking in on class assignments.
   
6. My walk was very peaceful. I discovered that I take walks a lot but I never really acknowledged that. Walks are a useful tool as a writer for the writing life because it gets you thinking about different things and gets you to realize things you dont realize when youre not on a walk.

Nov, 30th

1. Free Write – For the first time in a long time I am on time for class. I remember when we’d free write for 8 minutes, I would count my days till we did 10 minutes. Well I missed that day, now we’re doing 11 minutes. Last night I was awake all night, last time I slept was Tuesday night. I cant wait to get in Bed and sleep. I randomly capitalized B in Bed, there I go again. I guess my bed is my importance to me right now. Last night was rough. I miss this one person, that wasnt even my main problem. Last night. Life is on a straight line right now, not ascending in a positive way, or descending in a negative way. I wonder when it will start to ascend. I am exhausted, drained, both mentally and physically. I am just going with the flow of the straight line of a waiting game. I am trying to put all my focus into academics. I’ve stopped being on the phone, on facetime throughout most of my day. On my free time, I try to better myself, my family, watch shows that I am hooked to. People dont care, as we live each day we really start to pick up on different personalities. We learn different ways. Things are never the same as the last day. Everything is always changing slowly, and suddenly you dont enjoy things you used to enjoy so much. You’d wake up excited to see people, even when you’re sick and feel like shit. Even when you can do that class online, you still go out to socialize. But now things obviously have changed. Thats why change exists. And I stopped wasting my energy to be hung up o change, and I havecome to an acceptance. 

2. I like:

1. Change 
2. Writing
3. Music
4. Driving
5. Food
6. Candy
7. Spending Money
8. Shows
9. My Phone
10. Looseleaf

I dislike:

1. Change 
2. Hand pain 
3. Unwanted weather 
4. Reckless people
5. Food coma
6. Drugs
7. Losing money
8. Not having show recommendations
9. Constant interaction throughout the day.
10. Creased compromised looseleaf. 

3. Fludjumbent is how I would describe my generation because my generation is all ove rhte place just like the word fludjumbent.
   
4. I like advancements, language, community, togetherness, small world, and Generation Z. I dislike toxicity, pressure, gate keeping, mood, tone, language, and small worlds. 

5. I describe my voice as a writer as someone who advocates for the right, the wrong. My voice along with purpose has changed in a positive way. I have grown as a person in general with this one person, and I cant seem to find an alternative, or maybe just grow by myself. 

6. The most important conversation happening about our generation are how active we are in protecting and caring for a group of people miles away from us, and how we do it with no profit to ourselves at all. 

Dec, 05th

1. Free Write – Today was already rough. Since yesterday I have been really tired. I woke up tired and I had an 8am Math class that I did not attend last week. So I attended the math class, but after math class I went home. After I got home I slept and skipped my second class of the day. After I slept and missed the class, I woke up refreshed-ish in time for Vicars class. I got up, toasted two couples of bread. One set for now, one set for later. I spread plain avocado over both and ate one, packed the other. Now I am here, about roughly 15 minutes late to Vicars class, managing to miss free write minutes. 

2. Something that moves me is the need to do work. Music also moves me, and so does driving. School work makes me on the move. I lock in and once I am, theres no stopping me. 

3. What angers me is when people get mad at me for making my own decisions on myself, when it has nothing to do with them. They get mad when they think I am not making the best decisions. That annoys me because I know myself and my life situations more therefore I am the best person to make decisions for myself. 

4. Something I am confused about is the way somethings work in life. I get confused when certain things happen and then you dont  know whats right or wrong. 

5. Something important to me is building my character and who I am, or want to be. When I accomplish certain parts of that, it makes me happy and encouraged to keep going. 

6. I see my family and my closest friends who I like to consider family as well. I see them everyday, and most times every weekend. When I dont see them thats when something feels off. 

7. I get excited about when we make plans, whoever its with as long as I am interested. I count my days and hours, pick out my outfit. It gets me so excited taht if things dont work out it upsets me. 

8. Different achievements move me to celebrate. When we see a reason to celebrate its all hands on deck.  Sometimes I look for every little reason to celebrate. 

9. I hope for a way better future that can be for all of us. This way we all have a better life taht fixes many of the problems we have now as human beings. I feel that we would all have a better life without life changing problems.